


President Roosevelt's Escape Or Times Have Been Stranger

by oursisthefury



Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, sam stanley is so underappreciated tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 12:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12770763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursisthefury/pseuds/oursisthefury
Summary: Gordon Cole suddenly owns a pet tortoise (it's not a turtle! he's very adamant on that) and he brings it to work with him. Albert really could care less but Cooper and Sam seem enthralled by it. The tortoise's name is President Roosevelt and he's one hundred years old.Gordon makes Albert, Cooper and Sam watch his beloved pet, which is a very easy job. Except for the fact that Sam somehow manages to lose the damn thing... Now they have to enlist the police force of Twin Peaks to help them find President Roosevelt. Albert is less than thrilled.Inspired by the movie Lucky starring Harry Dean Stanton and David Lynch. In the movie, Lynch's character owns a tortoise named President Roosevelt.





	1. The Escape Or The Missing Loved One

“You have a pet turtle?” Albert asked, his lip curling up into an amused sneer. “TORTOISE! AND YES, ALBERT, I DO.” Gordon replied, practically screaming in Albert’s face. “Tortoise, alright, that’s nice but why is it here?” Albert wondered, eyeing the slow moving reptile with disdain. Its enclosure was currently on his desk in the office that had been given to them for their new case, the disappearance of a teenage girl. “WHAT?” Gordon craned his ear towards Albert. “WHY IS YOUR TORTOISE HERE?” Albert repeated at a very high volume. “HE GETS LONELY EVERY TIME I LEAVE HIM.” Gordon replied. “Do you have a pet sitter for him?” Cooper asked, reaching into the enclosure and picking up the reptile. The reptile’s legs swung uselessly in the air as if it wasn’t quite used to being picked up. 

“YES BUT I FEAR THAT HE MISSES ME TOO MUCH, HE’S ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD.” Gordon responded, watching Cooper examine his prized pet. “One hundred years old? How long have you had him?” Sam Stanley questioned, intrigued, as he joined Cooper in examining the animal. Albert had almost forgotten they’d had to bring him along, almost. “ONLY FOR ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS.” Gordon answered. “How’d you come across him?” Cooper questioned, setting the tortoise back down in its enclosure where it slowly ambled towards some lettuce. Both he and Sam watched with interest. Albert couldn’t believe how fascinated they were by the creature, it was just a turtle. “HE FOUND ME. IT WAS CRISP AUTUMN MORNING, I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WERE YESTERDAY,” Gordon began and Albert put his head in his hands. Not a story. “I WAS OUT GETTING THE PAPER WHEN I NOTICED HIM COMING TOWARDS ME. I’D NEVER SEEN A TORTOISE IN MY AREA BEFORE AND IT WAS COLD OUT BUT HE WALKED WITH A PURPOSE. WE QUICKLY BECAME BEST FRIENDS.” Gordon finished. 

“Why President Roosevelt for the name?” Sam asked. “A VOICE IN A DREAM TOLD ME IT WAS HIS NAME AND HE RESPONDS TO IT.” Gordon replied. “Hello, President Roosevelt! It’s very nice to meet you!” Cooper greeted the tortoise and the animal slowly looked up at him and blinked. “It does respond!” Sam noted, excitedly. “HOLD ON, BOYS, I’M GETTING A CALL.” Gordon proclaimed before stepping out into the hall to have a very loud conversation. “He never mentioned he had a pet before.” Albert remarked. “That’s true, it’s odd that he never did.” Cooper added. “I think the tortoise suits him.” Sam noted. “Sure, it’s a perfect companion for him but once again, I ask, what is it doing here?” Albert inquired, annoyed. “It can’t bother you that much.” Sam said. “It’s on my desk, it’s bothering me.” Albert snapped. “I’ll be happy to take President Roosevelt off your hands.” Sam beamed. “Be my guest.” Albert said dryly. Sam then proceeded to gently lift up the tank and carry it to his desk. Albert rolled his eyes. 

“BAD NEWS,” Gordon had returned to them. “I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.” “That’s a shame.” Albert smiled, the tortoise would be gone soon. “BUT I HAVE TO LEAVE PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT HERE SO TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM WHILE I’M GONE.” “What?” Albert asked, shocked. “I HAVE INSTRUCTIONS FOR HIM,” Gordon announced, fishing out a list from his pocket which he handed over to Cooper. “Seems easy enough.” The agent noted. “MAKE SURE YOU LET HIM OUT TO RUN AROUND, HE NEEDS THE EXERCISE.” Albert doubted that a tortoise would be able to do much running. “GOTTA RUN NOW, FAREWELL ALL.” Gordon bid them farewell and practically dashed out the door. 

In the following hours, they decided to let President Roosevelt have the run of the office space which he slowly ambled around, stopping to nap once and awhile. Cooper kept crouching down by the animal and feeding it lettuce, watching as it stretched its neck out to take miniscule bites. “You’re going to make it fat.” Albert remarked. “Actually-” Sam started to say. “Shut up.” Albert snapped and the other man quieted and went back to work. When the clock ticked to around to twelve, Albert felt himself growing hungry. “Coop, what say you and I grab something to eat?” he asked his friend. “Sure but what about Sam?” Cooper replied. “Him? He’s working.” Albert gestured to how the other man was studying some papers intently. “Hey, Sam, Coop and I are going to grab some lunch, are you alright with watching the tortoise? Should we put him back in his cage?” Albert questioned. “No, he’s fine, I think I’ll be able to watch him just fine but could you bring me back something?” Sam asked hopefully. “Shouldn’t be too much trouble.” Cooper replied cheerfully while Albert sighed in annoyance. “See you in an hour, Sam.” Albert stated and rushed Cooper out. 

They found a burger place to eat at and it was fine so they brought Sam a burger. When Albert entered the office with Cooper, they noticed that Sam didn’t even look up from his work or acknowledge their presence. Albert cleared his throat but the agent still didn’t look up. “Sam, we got you lunch.” Cooper said and Sam looked up. “Sorry! This case file was just really interesting.” Sam apologized. “Sounds exciting now where’s President Roosevelt?” Albert questioned, scanning the area and not seeing the tortoise. “Oh, he should be around here somewhere.” Sam shrugged. “He was under Cooper’s desk earlier.” “President Roosevelt?” Cooper asked as he crouched down and peered under his desk. “He’s not under here.” “I’ll check under mine.” Albert said as he got down on his hands and knees and looked under his desk but he didn’t see the animal. There wasn’t a lot of places for it to hide so it had to be under Sam’s desk. Because Sam was currently engrossed in the burger they’d gotten him, Albert checked under his desk to see nothing. 

Frustrated, he got to his feet to address Sam, “He’s not under any of our desks.” “I don’t see him anywhere.” Cooper added, circling the whole area. The tortoise only had the desks to hide under and that was it. “That’s strange, he should be here.” Sam replied after he’d swallowed down the last mouthful of food. “You saw him last under Cooper’s desk, correct?” Albert asked and Sam nodded. “And when was that?” Sam pondered it before sheepishly answering, “Right after you guys left…” “And you didn’t look at him again?” Albert pressed, irritated. “No because I was really getting into my work.” Sam answered hesitantly as Albert’s dark expression was beginning to make him nervous. “So you weren’t watching the tortoise and now you’ve lost him? How the fuck do you lose something that slow?” Albert demanded hotly. “I-” Sam began. “How the fuck do you lose a whole tortoise?” he interrupted, exasperated. “As opposed to a half one?” Sam joked. “Excuse me?” Albert gave Sam the evil eye and Cooper put a calming hand on his shoulder. “I’m- I’m sorry.” Sam stammered in reply, shrinking back nervously. 

“I’m sure he’s around here somewhere, he can’t have gotten far.” Cooper said as the voice of reason and assurance. “You’re right, we should keep looking.” Albert said, calming down slightly. But thirty minutes later after searching the building and coming up with nothing, he was less than calm. “You know how I know that tortoise is really gone?” Albert proposed and Sam and Cooper shared a look. “I know it’s fucking gone when three FBI agents can’t find it!” he snapped, losing his cool altogether. He wanted to grab Sam by the throat and throttle him for his stupidity. What kind of idiot could lose a tortoise? “I don’t know how he managed to disappear, I’ve never seen anything like it.” Sam said quickly. “I’m sure Gordon will understand.” Cooper added. 

“Did you hear him talk about that thing? It’s one hundred years old and he loves it. And he trusted us to watch it. You don’t think that he’s going to be just a little pissed, and god forbid, disappointed?” Albert asked both of them. “I didn’t mean to lose him.” Sam whined, he’d winced at the word disappointed. “I’ve never gotten written up or anything before.” “Neither have I.” Albert frowned. “I think we should scour the area, ask around, see if we can get anyone to help us.” Cooper suggested. “You think anyone in this hick town will be of use to us?” Albert questioned. “They’re helping us look for Laura Palmer, if they can do that then they’ll be able to help us on this.” Cooper stated. “Where do you suggest we start?” Albert wondered. “The Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Station.” Cooper said with confidence.


	2. Those Hicks Can't Find Shit Or The Sheriff Is Confused

“Those hicks can’t find shit.” Albert grumbled, he was the designated driver for the very uncomfortable car ride. “You’ve never even met them, you don’t know their capabilities.” Cooper said after swallowing down a mouthful of coffee. They’d gotten coffee on the drive and Albert used all his willpower not to dash the steaming liquid into Sam’s face. He noticed that Sam was quiet for the drive, making most of the time awkward. “I’ve never heard of a genius police officer coming out of this area, never even heard of Twin Peaks before.” Albert complained. “So? I’ve never heard of a lot of places.” Cooper shrugged. “You always think the best of everyone.” Albert sighed. “And you always think the worst.” Cooper countered. “Touche.” Albert noted.

“Jesus, did you see how fast that kid on the bike was going? Isn’t it only about forty five here?” Albert wondered after watching a boy on a motorcycle gun to past him. “He’s lucky I’m not a traffic cop.” “Maybe someone will catch him?” Cooper said, watching the motorcycle leave his line of sight. “Maybe.” Albert grunted. 

“Look at this place, it’s tiny!” Albert pointed out as he pulled into the parking lot of the Sheriff’s station. “This isn’t the FBI headquarters anymore, Albert.” Cooper reminded him. “I think it looks nice.” Sam finally spoke and Albert almost said something to him. “What are we even going to say? That we’re too stupid to find a tortoise on our own?” Albert asked. “Just let me do the talking, you can sometimes be a little, well, abrasive.” Cooper said honestly and Sam nodded because he didn’t think that Albert could see, but Albert saw him nod in the mirror of the car. “I’m sorry if most of the time I don’t speak idiot.” he grumbled, and turned around to glare at Sam. “You got anything to add, Sam? Anything at all?” “Er, no…” Sam swallowed nervously and avoided his gaze. “Maybe you’d like to talk on my abrasive personality?” Albert pressed. “It’s just that, um, you, ah, you can be a little aggressive sometimes and it’s off putting.” Sam stammered, growing pale. “You know what-” Albert was quick to retort but then Cooper had hopped out of the car and announced that it was time for them to go in. 

Albert growled under his breath and shut the car off before getting out himself to face the music. It was going to be a very long day. Cooper entered the building first, followed by Albert and then Sam. There was receptionist at the desk, wearing an exceptionally ugly sweater. Albert almost blanched as he looked over his attire, then Cooper’s, and Sam’s. They were all wearing suits, and he and Cooper wore black ties while Sam settled for a red bow tie. They looked good and this woman did not. He could hardly wait to see what the sheriff was wearing. Something flannel probably.

“Hello? Who’re you?” The woman wondered in a high pitched voice that made Albert wince. “I’m special agent Dale Cooper and these are my fellow agents, Albert Rosenfield and Sam Stanley.” Cooper replied, gesturing to the appropriate people. “I’m Lucy, are you here about Laura Palmer?” she asked. “Yes and no, can we speak with Sheriff Truman, please?” Cooper questioned. “Sure, I’ll just let him know that you’re here…” Lucy trailed off and picked up the phone. “Sheriff Truman? There are FBI agents here to see you, should I send them in? Oh, you’ll come out? Alright.” She hung up and looked at them. “He’ll be right out.” “Oh, we heard.” Albert said dryly and Cooper gave him a look. “Did you just get here?” Lucy inquired, curious. “Been here about a day and a half and I must say that those trees out there are so beautiful…” Cooper noted, almost dreamily. “They’re pines, and they are beautiful.” Lucy seemed to like Agent Cooper so far. 

Just then, the sheriff appeared wearing a stupid cowboy hat and a star badge, Albert almost laughed at him, he looked ridiculous. “Hello, fellas, I’m Sheriff Harry Truman.” The man greeted them. They each introduced themselves separately. “You’re here about the case?” Harry questioned. “Kind of, could we talk somewhere private?” Cooper asked. “Yeah, follow me, we can talk in my office.” Harry stated and began walking. “Must want to talk about something awfully important if there’s three of you.” he added and the agents shared a look of embarrassment. “Ah, so we’re here, what do you want to talk about?” Harry asked as he closed the door behind them and sat at his desk while they all pulled up chairs. Albert looked at Cooper to answer and Sam fidgeted nervously beside him, which caused the sheriff to raise an eyebrow. 

“The thing is, Sheriff-” Cooper started. “Just call me Harry.” The sheriff smiled. “Alright, Harry, the thing is that these are strange circumstances and this will be an odd request…” Cooper trailed off and Albert sighed. “Yeah?” Harry was curious. “We need your help with something and it’s got nothing to do with the Laura Palmer case but it’s very important to us.” Cooper finished. “Okay… What is it?” Harry questioned, leaning forward on his desk. “We lost something while we were here and we can’t find it-” “Another missing persons case?” Harry interrupted, sounding intrigued. “It’s not a person exactly but an animal.” Cooper replied. “What?” The man seemed confused. “We lost an animal, a beloved pet of our boss, it’s a tortoise. Well, he’s a tortoise, he’s one hundred years old and his name is President Roosevelt.” After he said that, there was silence. The sheriff just stared at them.

And then he laughed, “That’s funny! Thanks, I needed that, it’s been so tense around here with Laura Palmer’s disappearance, the poor girl. So why are you really here? Have you found any leads that we overlooked?” Sam made a whimpering noise in the back of his throat which caused Harry to look at him. “You alright, Agent Stanley?” The sheriff wondered. “He’s fine.” Albert assured the man through gritted teeth. “So… Leads?” Harry asked again, tapping his fingers on his desk. “There’s no leads!” Sam burst out suddenly, in a worried fluster. Harry, Cooper and Albert stared at him in shock. “The tortoise- the tortoise, we really do need help finding him because I lost him. I’m such an idiot-” Harry held up a hand to cut off Sam’s worried ramblings, “Hold on now, are you telling me that you were serious about that nonsense?” “Yes!” Sam replied, nodding and Cooper and Albert nodded too. 

“So you came here to help me with my case and now you’ve just given me one? Have you even looked over the case files?” Harry asked, incredulous and irritated. “I studied them diligently, I was actually looking them over when President Roosevelt vanished.” Sam said quickly. “I’ve looked them over, Harry.” Cooper added. “Me too, we’ve all looked at the files, Sheriff.” Albert said the last word rather bitterly. “We need to be finding Laura Palmer not some tortoise, how do you even lose a tortoise? They’re so slow.” Harry scolded them then he squinted at them with suspicion. “Can I see your badges real quick?” “Of course.” Cooper said cheerfully despite the implication, and they handed over their badges for inspection. He looked them over, studied them hard and finally seemed satisfied. “Alright, we’re going to work on the Palmer case and not this tortoise nonsense, alright?” Harry proposed giving them back their badges. 

“Harry, could we compromise?” Cooper inquired. “How so?” Harry said. “I’d like to propose that we look for Laura Palmer and President Roosevelt. Two birds with one stone.” The agent explained easily. “I’m sorry, but we can’t use police resources to look for a tortoise, it’s just unheard of.” Harry answered. “We get that but I don’t see why we can’t ask around or look during lunch breaks or something.” Albert remarked. “You said that this tortoise was your boss’, right? Can’t you just tell him that you lost it by accident?” Harry asked slowly. “We could but he’d be disappointed and angry…” Sam whined, his face pale. “Are you going to get fired over a tortoise?” Harry questioned. “Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll just get demoted…” Albert trailed off, glumly. “Demoted?” Sam asked, horrified. “Would you rather be fired?” Albert snapped at him. “N-no…” Sam looked like he was going to cry. 

The sheriff looked away from them and then put his head in his hands for a few moments before looking back up. “Since you were recommended so highly to me, I’m willing to let this slide. We’ll help you look for the tortoise but only if you help with Laura Palmer.” he sighed. “Thanks, Harry! We won’t let you down.” Cooper beamed and reached to shake the reluctant sheriff’s hand. “Thanks.” Albert said, he’d never been so embarrassed in his life. “T-thank you.” Sam said, his voice shaky. 

Much to Albert’s annoyance, Harry and Cooper quickly became friends in a matter of minutes. It must have been Cooper’s charisma because soon they were swapping stories and the like. At first, Harry had seemed unimpressed and skeptical of Cooper but now, he seemed to love him. “You boys want some coffee?” Harry offered as they stood in the police force meeting room. It was for police but for some reason, the receptionist, Lucy was there. “Yes, thank you! Nothing better than a hot fresh cup of black coffee!” Cooper smiled. “Thanks, Sheriff Truman.” Sam said. “I told you to call me Harry.” The man corrected him. “Oh, right, sorry.” Sam replied. 

“First order of business, gang, we’ve got a missing tortoise.” Harry announced which made Albert cringe with embarrassment. “A tortoise?” The sheriff’s deputy, Hawk, asked. “Yes, a tortoise. I know it’s unusual but-” Harry began to reply. “Sheriff Truman!” Lucy interrupted. “Yes, Lucy?” Harry questioned. “I saw a tortoise this morning! When I was driving here, I saw it walking on the side of the road and I said to myself, “Lucy, that’s very unusual.”” Lucy proclaimed. “And you did what exactly?” Albert pressed her to continue. “I kept driving.” she answered simply. “You kept driving? Why?” Albert asked incredulous. “It’s illegal to harass the wildlife.” she replied, matter of factly. “But you thought it was unusual, didn’t you? Tortoise’s belong in hot weather not cold. Didn’t that strike you as odd and worth investigating?” Albert practically demanded. “Hmmm, not really…” she trailed off, thinking. “You stupid-” Albert started angrily. “Hey! Leave her alone!” A tall and dumb sounding police officer had launched to his feet, to defend Lucy. “Oh, Andy…” Lucy murmured, enjoying the attention.

“And you would be?” Albert asked snidely. “Andy Brennan, and you need to leave Lucy alone.” The man declared. “Yeah? I’m just doing my job here, asking her questions.” Albert smirked, he could tell that Andy wasn’t the brightest bulb. “No, you’re being a jerk about it, and-” Andy stated. “Andy, that’s enough.” Harry said, trying to calm the situation. “Albert, stop it.” Cooper warned. Andy glared at Albert and sat back down and Albert smiled smugly at him. “So when did you see the tortoise, Lucy? How long ago?” Cooper asked, nicely. “It was in the morning so about two hours ago.” she answered. “That’s about the time he went missing.” Sam stated. “How’d he manage to get ten miles away in that short amount of time?” 

“What road were you on?” Harry asked her. “It was the road by the Double R Diner, maybe it’s still there?” Lucy replied. “We should definitely go and check it out.” Harry declared. “What’s the second order of business?” Hawk reminded him. “We’ve got to interview Laura’s friends again, I don’t think that some of them were telling the truth.” Harry answered. “I’ll be showing the agents around town, looking for the tortoise and you and Andy can gather the friends up.” “Alright.” Hawk said but he didn’t seem to like the plan that much. “Come with me, I’m gonna show you the wonderful town of Twin Peaks.” Harry said with a grin as he beckoned for the agents to follow him.


End file.
